I grew up on woah … woah … WOAH!

At least that is what I would have told you as a little girl growing up on Worrall Road, which my parents learned while trying to teach me how to say where I lived should I ever accidentally get lost. Needless to say, they determined that I needed to never get lost, at least before I figured out how to pronounce more consonants.

Despite their best efforts, like probably most kids, I found a way to wander away in a store one day. Even though I gravitated confidently toward the leg of a man I thought was my dad before discovering in utter fear by looking up that I had been mistaken, it took just moments for my family to be reunited, and this memory is still comforting. While there are certainly exceptions, and serious ones, it was a moment in my life in which a righting of circumstances to what was needed occurred almost effortlessly and did not require unavailable tools. More, it proved to me that seemingly overwhelming problems can be resolved.

Confidence about the existence of solutions to problems has been helpful to me many times since this experience, but, as I learn, more and more is always required in staying the course and listening for intuition through what can feel like endless waves of delay, distraction, and riptide.

I believe this process, which may start with an acknowledgement that there is a perspective to be gained that is more loving and more intelligent, may be called leveling up, and that it is multifaceted.

Leveling Up Is Being Open-Minded

I have been thinking a great deal recently about times in which I have not just felt a sense of certainty about the possibility of progress but experienced it. I have often been reminded by people whose examples inspire and give so much hope to remain well-balanced between important areas of focus in my day-to-day experience; but, more and more, I am learning that this is about anything but polling and taking an average of the opinions and views of those close to me when making assessments but, rather, finding my center of gravity individually.

Something that my experience working for the Larry King Live team, when inverted, has underscored, is the importance of always recognizing God as my vine, so to speak. When I agreed, against my will and heart, to join my boyfriend’s team, he began seeming to seek out, isolate, and destroy almost every source of my self-esteem. In working to heal, after seeing my home, my job, my community, and so much of my life that had felt so wonderful before pulled away by this one development in one relationship, it was hard not to see righting it as being the key to regaining all that had meant so much to me. Years later, I Googled this man and learned that he had gone on to marry a person who not only worked at the company where I used to work, but that she, evidently, even joined what was practically the same team from which I had agreed to resign after receiving a proposal. Although this hurt, as I remember, when I saw it, my first feeling was one of immense relief. After, beginning practically the moment I realized I was stuck on this person’s talk show team, I endured having practically every aspect of my life – including my interest in journalism, my body, my family, my belief in the Bible – seemingly put down with such intense aggression, the idea that something about the pre-Larry King Live life I had loved was recognized by another person as having value – my career – was validating. But seeking to destroy everything I held dear had never rendered my former colleague’s behavior permanently powerful. I am still learning but do believe that God remained my source all along.

Even though I feel I have much progress to make in this regard, I agree with those who advocate for simply doing one’s best to learn more about God’s perspective in any given moment; and I believe this involves being open to surprises.

As a kid growing up in New England – and then the Mid Atlantic – I remember feeling absolutely embarrassed for anyone hailing from America’s Southern states. It must have been terrible, I imagined, to live in a place rooted in such loss and immorality that all must have longed to move North.

It wasn’t until college when I began dating a childhood friend who lived in Nashville (although it could have been any of a number of places) that I actually traveled to the region I had felt sure would be so dreadful. But, instead of finding the boring and miserable culture of my imagination, I discovered at least one city that seemed totally under-appreciated, practically empty of development, full of beautiful old farms and teeming with young artists like us from a variety of backgrounds whose work was enough to permit them to live downtown and simply enjoy life getting to know one another. (I do not remember being cognizant of celebrity culture, although it certainly existed.) I loved the feeling of freedom, fun, and relaxation that going to see my friends’ bands afforded and enjoyed the city as a community full of friendly people. I began producing more paintings to fund my visits and talked frequently about how much I wanted to move there.

Leveling Up Is Recognizing the Difference Between God’s Ability and My Responsibility

With so much of life seeming to be on hold, I wonder often about the poet (and king) David’s thought process in writing some of the more frustrated-sounding psalms in the Bible given his inability then to know what we, his readers, are able to consider now about his later years.

The delay in fulfillment of God’s promise for David’s future was arguably a blessing in disguise. What would have happened if David had been promoted even earlier? Similarly, although another Old Testament figure, Joseph, arguably didn’t know he would ultimately be made Prime Minister of Egypt one day, his example of patience is inspiring in its own way. Both men made such beautiful use of a span of 13 years.

It feels so helpful to remember these men in working to be firm and disciplined in prioritizing learning when no answer seems apparent and working to have the maturity to change gears from the question “what should I do?” lately to “what should I learn?”

Leveling Up Is Being Flexible

Not long ago, I longed terribly to pursue doctoral studies. Although tantalizingly close, this goal always seemed out of reach as I learned that not every corner of the education sector was always precisely the type of refuge I had considered it to be, and I realized I needed simply to do the best I could where I was.

Considering what I was seeking in my studies, beside a degree, I realized that several of the main ingredients – time, space, and encouragement – were all available to me in different forms and that, while I researched degree options, if I looked closely, these could all technically be found within walking distance of my house and totally separate from any school.

By simply finding particularly good coaches and finding study locations where I felt inspired, I was able to access all of the encouragement, quiet, and camaraderie I sought in academia and produced work that felt worthwhile to me over a period of several months.

While I still do hope to pursue a doctorate and this period of independent work was difficult, I like to tell myself I have at least graduated from this experience with a renewed sense of hope that progress and problem-solving are always possible to some degree.

Leveling Up Is Being Willing to Stand Alone

I have noted often that, as tempting as it is to want to join what could be termed a winning team – be that by enrolling in a particular school, dating a popular guy, joining a prestigious company, or being a part of a successful group of any kind – as wonderful and helpful as such an aspiration can be – it can be worth checking with one’s heart first.

Some teams succeed because they do indeed have a system or culture in place that ensures the well-being and acknowledges the basic needs of individual members; and these are invaluable. (It is also most important to consider the team’s overall impact on the world.)

But proximity does not always mean equality and predatory scenarios like abusive marriages and even southern plantation systems could be called winning teams from a short-sighted and distorted viewpoint.

I recall once when first getting to know the colleague mentioned above, whom I had begun dating soon after graduating college. When visiting and getting a good look at my apartment, I remember that one of the only things he focused on was my possession of a copy of the movie Elizabeth featuring Cate Blanchett. I was surprised he made such a big deal about this, insisting that this movie was terrible because made girls think that they did not need to get married. But, after a woman with whom we were colleagues at work got married, he was aggressively unwilling to acknowledge this new layer of safety in her life, insisting mockingly that she be referred to by her maiden name. While I brushed this off, especially as this man had no authority over me whatsoever, and I simply began focusing on maintaining my independence and holding my own in our interactions, I later wished I had made a more pointed note to myself about these comments as this man went on to be very dominating once he persuaded me to join his team at work and did not consider himself to be accountable to anyone anymore.

It is so much more important to be making progress than to look like you are making progress; and, it seems wise to me, at least, to, when making a choice, consider betting on yourself before betting on a larger group based on appearances as the view from inside may be nothing like you imagined.

There are other times when articulating what you feel needs to be said results in retaliation. Although so many people have written about the viral video depicting the killing of a Minnesota man in May, one moment in this sequence resonated with me more than any other. George Floyd articulated what he was experiencing and punctuated his statement with the question, “See?”

Humanity risks everything to articulate the problem on the chance that humanity will hear and reply, “I do see now.” “Together we will make a change.”

Inhumanity pretends not to hear.

Leveling Up Leans on What is Unseen in Order to Make Room Where There Didn’t Appear to Be Any

It is so easy to feel and behave competitively when a wrong needs to be righted. But, in leveling up, it feels increasingly important to remember the wisdom that Love “does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.”

There is much to celebrate when a problem is solved, but arguably never anything to celebrate in the defeat of a person.

So, leveling up has to mean getting creative. Where there does not appear to have been room enough, provision for everyone needs to be illuminated. I believe this is everyone’s responsibility.

Leveling Up Is Being Willing to Make Original Moves

One of the most helpful things I have found to do when trying to move forward, particularly beyond what seems almost like a whirlpool or tendency to circle around and around a problem rather than find a solution is to get quiet and pay attention to inspired thoughts that address that very thing.

When an inspired thought feels not just specifically relevant but meant for me I have recently tried to be more disciplined about writing it down and noting the date, as I have learned to do. Even though I know every day brings new inspirations and new views, when I am really working to stand my ground inwardly on a matter, it is helpful to be able to go back to my notes and point to proof that a given idea did feel right at a particular time and did address the issue in a given moment, and that even if a new or different perspective is needed in the present moment, this record serves as a comfort. More than anything, it helps me move my frame of reference from simply what is going on around me to something else solid, meaningful, and progressive – my inward feelings about what is intelligent and proper.

One thing I find so helpful about paying attention to what is important to me inwardly is that it seems to lead to what I know I want most of all most of the time … traction. A major benefit of getting better at making decisions based on this, rather than a purely outward, groundwork, is that it leads more directly and specifically to helpful answers.

Leveling Up Is Being Willing to Pause and Listen

There have been many times in my life in which, be it because of a particularly well-known or well-remembered piece of wisdom or traditional guidance, a specific course of action definitely looked right but felt totally wrong.

I remember in particular one instance already related in which I had, regrettably, gotten into a terrible professional situation by subordinating my own to a boyfriend’s career, at least to a degree. In realizing my mistake I reached out to a human resources colleague and I remember so clearly a moment in which she began to appreciate the situation and declared oh no, did you give up a guy for a job, to which I needed to answer that, no, I had given up a job for a guy – a much worse decision, at the time, I felt.

While, as mentioned, I am learning, I have found that the best thing to do in times like this is to, when possible, get still, wait, and remember several things.

First, I always find it incredibly helpful to remind myself that there is a solution and that, even if it is not at all clear to me “wisdom excels folly as far as light excels darkness.” It is possible, if not likely, that even between two options that appear similarly wise, I may eventually realize, based either on better wisdom or information to be gained later on that, actually, one of the potential decisions would be a very good one while the other would definitely not. And, many times, neither option is actually particularly helpful; I just have not yet realized an even better one.

Second, it feels most important during times like these to do my best to improve my perspective as, even if I feel utterly off course, so long as I am at least looking for a right way forward I am being afforded an opportunity to work on my vision. This is as the narrowest path looks impossible to the cross-eyed. Not to take time to do so would be like finding oneself lost in the middle of a forest and arguing there was not time to consult a map.

At the point in my career already mentioned I felt mired in an awful situation and did not know how to get out of it beside simply giving my notice. But I knew that I wanted badly not to make a mistake in this regard and so, after praying about how to proceed, committed to only thinking about and focusing on what was good around me before I made any moves. And this was helpful. As much courage as this took (the last thing I wanted was to dull myself to what appeared to be a considerable mismatch between myself and my surroundings), it was totally worth it and, in fact, seemed to improve my understanding of the situation.

After ten days of making gratitude lists and focusing intently on the many good people and blessings around me, I realized more clearly than ever that the situation still felt wrong for me. I felt intuitively that, in giving my notice, I would not be endangering myself in any way. (I should note that I still did not feel impelled to take this step, although I did it anyway. Perhaps if I had waited longer a more suitable solution would have become evident.)

But even after making a mistake, I have found that leveling up is still being willing to pause and take stock.

Years later, and still trying so hard to learn from this experience, I realized I had made several statements in order to address something outwardly that might not have been my responsibility to address at that time at all (by articulating the end of an unhealthy reprisal of a past relationship that had seemed to wreak so much havoc, I felt I took the bait in going along with acting like I had been in a legitimate situation and helping give the appearance of legitimacy), and, wanting to relieve a sense of regret about this, I apologized, only to realize I hadn’t needed to do so.

I reasoned that maybe this person would apologize in turn, and that it would be possible to forget the months I worked for the Larry King team. But as the years – literally years – went on – practically every time my heart beat, I felt like it was telling me that to hide what happened to me is wrong and that I needed to actually talk about what he had done.

Leveling up, I am still learning, isn’t manufacturing resolution or undoing a past action like hitting “Control Z.” It’s asking what to do today.

If quarantine has affirmed anything for me it is that, even though they are not mutually exclusive groups, some men and women give birth to art and ideas in ways that are more analogous to physical birth than meets the eye (sometimes being so taxing as to require what could practically be termed bed rest). It at least appears to me that some people are perhaps even more inclined naturally to give birth to ideas; and it feels increasingly clear that women who give birth to ideas are just as valuable as women who give birth to babies and deserve equal protection under law, both within and without companies.

Leveling Up is Being Willing to Forget What Is Fair in the Moment in My Own Eyes

Not long ago, while living in a little (but lovely) one-story house, I found myself in the middle of a tornado warning area, complete with heavy winds and loud sirens, with no downstairs safe haven readily at hand.

It was an interesting opportunity, because I had been working on learning how to be receptive to and have the faith to lean on helpful ideas, and in praying about this, the idea came so strongly to me that I was safe, and I felt absolutely confident no tornado was going to touch down close to my location.

This was obviously a purely inward sense, and I felt surprised that it was not backed up in any way by a break from the warnings nor an idea about where to go in case of immediate danger, but I realized that I had a decision to make as I have been told so many times by mentors. I am grateful to say I decided simply to believe this intuition, sit tight, keep feeling inspired, and focus on heartening ideas. While I am not sure how many minutes passed before the warnings were over, it felt like an incredibly long time. But I knew I was learning an important lesson and strengthening a vital muscle. I also felt I had both learned and accomplished something important inwardly even after the weather cleared.

While nothing I have ever experienced approaches Biblical examples, I remember often that, if he wanted to Jesus could probably lived a quiet and comfortable life selling loaves, but to have been born is to have enlisted in a battle for progress, and I’m not sure comfort is anyone’s real goal.

I think, at its heart, leveling up may simply be doing your best to do what you believe God is telling you to do or believe at any given moment.

Even Though There Can Be a Huge Difference Between What is Natural and What is Automatic, Leveling Up Is Remembering What Is Right Is Natural

Sometimes knowing the right thing to do seems hard; but more often, it is obvious but difficult. Frequently, it feels like my life is grading me on a curve that reminds me that, while a right settling of circumstances requires adjustment on my part, in a greater sense it is natural.

I’m grateful that during the pandemic, this has been underscored for me several times.

After beginning to get less exercise, for awhile I found myself approaching a mirror I see practically every day expecting to be met by someone looking more like one of the potato people taking their first steps at the end of the film Wall-E. But I have always been grateful it has always been my regular reflection.

I have also pared down my makeup routine recently and, a very short period into this process, noticed that the clarity and texture of my skin had improved dramatically. It was literally the cover-up that seemed to have been problematic.

More easily, after I accidentally spilled a small amount of a drink onto my phone while getting out of my car and realized, to my dismay, that it largely stopped working, most functionality returned almost immediately as it simply dried.

At least every once in awhile, problems can seem to basically solve themselves. I’m so glad to have seen recent illustrations of this fact.

Leveling Up Is Being Nimble and Open to Fresh Guidance

When first recovering from having made the mistake of agreeing to move nearer the condo of the boyfriend already mentioned after agreeing to take a job too connected to his at work so that he would not have to drive more than a few minutes to visit me, I remember longing simply to go home. Home to my old job, of course, but even to my regular neighborhood. Still, the traditional guidance to forget the past and move forward being so oft-repeated and intelligent-sounding, I went to great lengths for months to avoid even driving past my normal apartment.

The more I got quiet, however, the more unmistakably right I felt about literally going home. An apartment in my regular neighborhood opened up at just the right time, and I signed for it right away.

I remember the moments during which I took in the scene after moving in and being so struck by the way my new apartment smelled – exactly like my old one in that neighborhood had. In the same way the fragrance of a frequently-used sunscreen can transport one to childhood beach visits, I was inundated with memories of my normal life – I remembered feeling safe, feeling hopeful, independent, more myself, excited about my life, and more content. It sounds ridiculous but is true that this part of my relocation reminded me of my full humanity. But it was such a rush of good memories that I had been working so hard for so long to forget out of a sense of feeling defeated, that I cried hard and wondered whether it had been a mistake returning to where felt like home. Could I even bear the wave and current of reawakening to my identity, my potential, and face head-on the magnitude of all that seemed to have been lost – all that had seemed to have been stolen – during the many months prior after I first agreed to work for the Larry King team?

I could, and I began to learn that leaving your past behind doesn’t mean leaving yourself behind.

While still in the thick of my career and personal life being almost totally intertwined in the most awful way, trying daily to find a way out of the situation, the man for whom I had agreed to accept this wrong-feeling job so blindly had begun contacting me any my family very insistently over a long period. Although no one ever responded to him, the more frequent these requests to reconcile became, the more I questioned my initial sense that they were wrong. Given that, if this man actually were going to keep his word and begin behaving kindly again, it would seem to be an answered prayer, I unwisely opened up to the possibility. Wanting to do the right thing but very much doubting myself at the time, I reasoned that it would probably help to simply read the Sermon on the Mount and endeavor to do whatever it said. Although, at every point I felt that this man did not mean well, I did note that an overriding theme throughout this series of lessons in the Sermon was the importance of forgiveness. Largely because of this, I did agree to see him again and he behaved absolutely monstrously.

I have tried since this time to learn from established wisdom, certainly, but to also intently listen to my heart for which points should perhaps be the ones I focus most on at a given time. It seems to me that this is a process one needs to go through almost continually. It, in other words, requires that one be ready to make a move and to do so when action is required but then to go through the same process again.

I have almost always found school and university settings to be ideal ones in which both to give and grow in really progressive ways. In a surprising experience some time ago, however, I found myself giving up a great deal in order to return to school.

I had made a major career change after my experience with the Larry King Live team, but every day missed my normal career. After my experience in television, I was so worried about publicly traded companies’ approach to human rights that I decided no longer to be invested in the stock market and wanted greatly to problem-solve in an educational setting the tension between this love for the good in my career and disillusionment with its challenges. (I do not recommend this decision to other people.)

Many luxuries like quality skin and hair care were moved from the necessity to frivolity column in my budget, and I made many other adjustments; but I had high hopes about a renewed and unifying academic experience. Feeling a bit out of place in a school setting where I had only just begun getting to know everyone, I was calmly but clearly advised by a law school professor whom I had asked for guidance to avoid professional partnerships with professors due to school policies, and this appeared to anger an administrator who seemed to want to form a close partnership early and under pressure. Having been prompted by him to share about my ideas and beliefs, I explained that religious concepts related to my support for ideas of human rights.

After being admonished for this I did speak up for myself but, with no remedy presented, realized it is possible to go from feeling wonderfully purposed and inspired to, when allowing an ill-fitting environment to take precedence in one’s attention, stuck. (Then there you are, looking feeling like Braveheart but not sure how to contribute, refocusing on your sense of purpose and looking for any way forward that simply feels right. I ultimately dipped into my retirement savings for phytodéfrisant and was able to make a change in focus from pursuing my doctoral degree to teaching while holding onto the hope of doctoral progress.) Even though what had seemed like a poor fit environment was disappointing at first, it was encouraging that, in this case, as I began focusing on sharing beyond my comfort zone but in line with what felt right in my heart, I found provision and an opportunity to give.

Leveling Up Is Keeping Going, and Being Patient Too

I am writing this essay as writing is part of how I learn.

After my experience with Larry King Live, the most major difficulty with which I needed to grapple was the challenge to my faith it presented. I did not want to lose my ability to believe in God (I realize now I couldn’t, actually) and had held steadfastly to the promise that all things work together for good; but, in waiting to see this fulfilled, felt I needed to find something in my own strength that I never would have done had I never felt held against my will by the Larry King team. Feeling discouraged about the media world, I looked into alternate and more creative careers but later realized I should perhaps have prayed for more patience instead.

Leveling Up Is Being Inwardly Brave

There have been many times when I have glimpsed and experienced real progress in my life. But these have been times when I have focused inwardly first.

When preparing to graduate from college, I remember thinking very earnestly about what would be my next right move, considering the seemingly few (but certainly good) options visible at that time.

Perhaps my most meaningful memory from this period was a question that felt extremely important for days: Would I be willing to take any job at all if it were God’s plan? Because I was getting ready to finish a particularly focused academic degree, this question did not feel like it made sense, but after a day or so of wrestling, it began to mean more. I felt impelled to examine my priorities.

Eventually, I was able to agree that I wanted whatever God wanted me to do and, as frightening as this decision felt, I also knew I would be able to enjoy total peace because of it, and I did experience progress in many areas in my life immediately afterward.

I am grateful to be learning that praying isn’t necessarily about making requests but about being willing and open to inspiration.

Leveling Up Is Being Outwardly Brave.

Having stayed recently with a relative who placed in my room a childhood portrait of me (although not the one above), I was grateful for the daily reminder, not just of a memory or even a series of memories, but about what about me will always remain despite my experience with the Larry King team. I do not fully know how to mend all of the bones broken during those months, but I am doing my best to set them.

When I was little my hero was Punky Brewster and my greatest fear was losing family like Fievel Mousekewitz. But I had a growing feeling that, with God, I would be able to handle what came my way. I’m grateful to be beginning to remember.