Frequently, when, for some reason or other, I feel strongly that I ought to make a particular minor decision, like driving a slightly different route to an intended destination, but I am not sure why, I tell myself that perhaps God is just leading me to avoid a frog getting ready to cross a road. In other words, because I’m not the one with the overview, there’s no need for me to know.

Earlier today, I had an opportunity to learn the truth of this for myself in a more literal sense than ever before. Driving away from the gym, a very small feeling nudged at me to take the highway rather than a usual scenic route I drive most days, and boy did I regret dismissing it. About halfway along my journey, I saw what appeared to be a large leaf on the road, kept going, and noticed something similar again before realizing these may, actually, be frogs. When I came to a stop to look more closely, I saw for myself that the miniature being just ahead was, indeed, an almost indescribably adorable little amphibian that prompted me, almost involuntarily, to belt out, loudly, “You’re so cute!” before realizing I would have a very slow remainder of my drive.

While I am not sure, I am afraid that in backing away, my car probably struck another, and I was absolutely devastated about this. When I prayed about it, the same feeling washed over my heart clearly and quietly several times: you are loved. A profound admonishment.

On Corners

I have previously described the experience of praying about how to move forward after an experience at CNN of feeling pressured to allow a man I was dating to gain almost total control of my career, essentially serving as a go-between between me and my new boss, who lived in another city. After not feeling heard at all by the leadership of our company no matter how frequently its mid-level managers tried to take easy and obvious steps to ameliorate the situation, I left brokenhearted and, in attempting to re-start my life, feeling like I was beginning a marathon all over again in which I had been doing so well but, now, with two broken arms and two broken legs. But what I feel has been missed is that this was by no means all. This experience was more like endeavoring to begin such a journey from the start again with injuries but being required to carry a massive weight, this being the knowledge that such a thing could happen at all but with no one to tell. Such a weight is not just difficult to carry, in my opinion; it is a weight that cannot be carried.

More than any one thing, my former boyfriend, who had demonstrated an ability to behave considerately before, when it appeared an opportunity had arisen to dominate my day-to-day life, took immediate aim at my reliance on a sense of intuition.

Over the period during which I felt held by CNN’s talk show team, I noticed that anytime I mentioned that anything simply did not feel right, that it bothered my heart, or even when I stood for the idea of being a person of faith, this person became the most agitated and insisted aggressively that my intuition was wrong. Before I agreed to work for the Larry King Live team, this man had expressed serious frustration that I would not give myself to him, although he never told me what that meant. The “you’re still holding on” scene from The Last Jedi felt like it practically could have been footage from my life during this period.

Before, I had been very hesitant to get serious in a relationship, had not wanted to be tied down and was often told I was “so the guy” in this relationship.

But, while I was confident, I was ill-informed.

Retiring a Muscle

In training at CNN, I am sorry to say I had learned to look down on, avoid and, while not participate in making fun of, still not consider the Larry King team a fully legitimate part of the company. I certainly did not fear anything about this group.

Still, my heart felt wrong about agreeing to work for them.

After I realized that I seemed terribly trapped by the talk show team at CNN, absolutely everything about my day-to-day life changed. It literally felt as if I moved to a third-world country where my rights were not recognized.

After months of this, when an intern said goodbye to me at the end of his semester at one point, it felt notable that he said he thought he was most going to miss my raspy voice. My throat had been so injured from crying almost constantly that in more than three months he had never heard my normal voice and didn’t know. There had been almost unbearable pressure to pretend to believe all of my boyfriend’s words (I was constantly very aggressively pressured to affirm, and even tell myself, that I believed these) rather than my own heart while he held control over my career, and no matter how directly his actions betrayed them or for how long he disappeared without warning, it felt like I had no choice.

Doing so felt like exercising a muscle that should never be used, but I also believed this person was my only hope of return to a normal life; and in many moments I did not know what to do.

On Pacing

As I have written before, aside from art-making, one of the most helpful places I found to practice listening to my intuition has been in the gym. Before lockdown, I was finally running a mile under 5:40, and I felt a great sense of joy about this.

I have not done a timed run since beginning to work out again, however I can feel I have a long way to go. Still, I know I can do it, because I know how I made progress before. Just as I learned to pace myself in running for time originally, I am grateful to have learned how to pace myself in re-training.

Recovering from CNN’s talk show unit was different.

One of the largest challenges encountered while beginning to pivot based on the realization that there would be an opportunity for me to feel safety, joy, fulfillment, and progress again after my Larry King Live experience was re-learning how to listen to my own heart.

Before agreeing to work for this team, I had been enjoying so much about my life – the adventure of living in a new city in a new part of the country, the thrill of learning the ropes of a loved job in production, the joy of building and investing in new friendships within a community in which I had begun to feel at home, a wonderful feeling of closeness to God, and a related, general feeling of freedom to follow my heart to whatever the road ahead held. And I know there is much road ahead now.

But it is hard to look only forward without acknowledgement of what happened, because I want other girls to be able to feel such freedom and joy without danger.

On Knowing

I often consider Moses’ life and the moments in which he knew what to do and either did or did not, because the outcomes that followed seem to be so varied.

I am grateful that, even though I do not always feel I know exactly what to do, part of the answer is not just to say, but to insist, that nothing can permanently separate any of us from the Love of God.

On Removal

Several years ago, very suddenly, I began to experience a terrible and persistent toothache. This was so severe that I imagined there must be a major cavity or other problem to blame, and I braced for the dentist’s report. But, after only moments in the chair, he let me know that a shard of a popcorn kernel had lodged in a hard-to-reach place, and he was able to remove it immediately. Right away, I began to feel better for good.

I know I have written on my blog a great deal about my experiences of, first, loving my early years at CNN but the devastation of joining its talk show team as well, unable to recognize much at all about my life during that dark period.

But my hope is to dislodge the lesson – that corporations should not push nor force women to subordinate their careers to the day-to-day dictates of a dating partner, especially by combining job offers and marriage proposals under pressure; and if a woman requests support extracting herself from an abusive situation, that HR partners should be allowed to do their jobs.

I have wondered before whether one reason this experience has continued to feel lodged is that I did not feel heard during the women’s movement, although I do believe many people and organizations took note privately.

I believe that all that is required in any given situation is what is possible, and I do feel I have spoken a lot, even without acknowledgement. (Not being heard during the period when it was arguably the most safe to speak was devastating, although I still feel compelled to say I believe that women should be protected like any other human beings in news organizations.) I do not know whom else I could possibly help by talking about this more fully. It simply felt like I should.