“Don’t throw me down, Clark.”

I remembered this line from a famous Christmas movie the other day when pondering the absurdity of feelings of insecurity while working to lean into a sense of intuition and helpfulness; and I got to thinking about balance.

On Heights

As I suppose we all do, I’ve noticed over the years how different decision-making feels when one imagines the stakes are high, as opposed to in more seemingly mundane situations and, lately, I’ve been wondering, why? Growing up studying gymnastics, I used to marvel at how much my beam repertoire varied depending on whether I practiced on the high or low apparatus, even though the width of each surface was the exact same. While, on the low beam, I was confident, on the high beam, I more often felt like a deer in headlights while preparing to prove to myself my ability there was the same.

But the experience of confronting barriers to progress that seem more daunting than they actually are is confidence-building.

On Trust

Several years ago, in preparing to travel cross country, I remember checking in, like normal, via an airport kiosk before settling in for a leisurely brunch while waiting preparations for to begin for my flight’s departure before realizing the printout I’d thought was my boarding pass wasn’t one at all but was, rather, an alert that the plane had been overbooked.

Stunned, both at the unusualness of the disruption – which taught me, obviously, to arrive for flights earlier and to actually look at my boarding printouts when I get them – and by the magnitude of the impact a major delay stood to have on my plans for the coming days, I turned to the airline’s representatives for guidance. Assured they’d offer other travelers an opportunity to forfeit their seats in exchange for money, I imagined that, surely, such a change of plans would work well for someone. But, in praying along the lines of a specific hope that the answer would unfold in this way, I felt admonished in my heart and changed my prayer to a desire simply for whatever was best.

After one man who’d considered giving up his seat decided to keep it and left, it felt impossible not to cry, regardless of how hard I tried; but there was still deep comfort to be found in the fact that I knew what I’d prayed for was right. I’d stayed on the high beam, so to speak, long enough to feel this and was so grateful.

As you probably guessed (although I hadn’t), I was compensated generously for a change in my itinerary which, because of a shorter layover en route, actually landed me at my destination very close to my original eta. But I was soon faced with another choice when I felt strongly – seemingly out of nowhere – that it would be wise to use the newly-obtained funds to pay for a hotel rather than stay with a (much-loved) family member and, as wonderful as the visit that followed was, I learned through disobeying that it, indeed, probably would have been the most considerate path. While the low beam, so to speak, looked like where I should be because it enabled me to get ahead on bills, it really wasn’t.

On Location

I’ve heard the phrase “finding balance” so many times before, but today, it has new meaning to me. This is because I am learning it is so true that locating one’s right place is not really a matter of design – or of concentration – but, rather, making adjustments to approach and accommodate where one’s center of gravity needs to be. When I go off in my own direction in haste or indignation, or if I stay in one place too long (or not long enough) out of fear, I’m learning, my center of gravity does not follow my lead.

This is one reason I believe it is so important to help one another be as free – and encouraged – as possible to follow their own hearts, knowing that, as we all do this, we are all better off.

It is also a reason I believe it continues to be so important to be protective, rather than exploitative, of the vulnerable – or, the fatherless and the widow, as this group of people is often described – as these are the people who tend most often to have seen, first-hand, problems in need of solving and know what to do.

While I am still learning about this concept, it has been so profound to consider in light of a 25-month-long experience during which, it seemed, the organization within which I worked (and which I had, before, loved so much) seemed to treat my center of gravity – my sense of well-being and of where my heart was telling me to go – almost like a sort of game ball in play and, while I was welcome to compete for it, I didn’t feel my safety was seen as my own right.

But what I needed to learn is the importance of letting God overrule pressures from the predatory. I love how He says “Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.” And “‘I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’ Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.”

For the first time in so many years, I feel more like myself before feeling so terribly trapped by the Larry King Live organization. It’s to better remember what it feels like to know that I am in God. I am in Love.

On Assignment

While I know I need to be flexible in determining how and when to speak or contribute, it still feels so persistently clear to me that a nuance needs to be articulated when it comes to why our media infrastructure’s prevailing business model may be worth reviewing.

Just as I still believe the women’s movement in journalism was about much more than just disentangling the strands of journalistic and stock market forces, I also still believe that the singularness of the media industry’s subsequent focus on BLM (to the exclusion of – rather than in addition to – concurrent calls for reviews of the industry’s prevailing business models) was about much more than just weaving these strands back together. Both the matters of women’s rights within organizations and African American rights in the country at large needed – and still need – to be addressed. But so, eventually, does the matter of media corporation business models – in the right way and at the right time.

While I do still believe that corporations’ stock market affiliations will, someday, be deemed a sort of illegal performance-enhancing drug, it’s worth noting that it isn’t banned yet and, as I have noted before, many stock-trading organizations’ focus on lifting up African American voices in recent years has done an enormous amount of good that should not be discounted. (And this work is still not done.) Still, if the primary reason corporations went what is termed “woke” (a posture that, if sincere, I personally consider to be optimal for such entities but, as it has been applied, I believe could better be likened to sleeping pills) is that the constitutionality of their relationship to the stock market was questioned, shouldn’t this be, at least, disclosed?

Regardless, journalism organizations’ relationship to stock market forces has been – and continues to be – particularly problematic, and it, arguably, needs to be addressed. Especially given ongoing attempts to scapegoat various racial and other groups for as-yet-unaddressed systemic problems roiling the country (chief among these being our media organizations’ relationship with the stock market), I again feel it important to request that this problem be addressed in the public sphere.

On Balance

Given the types of serious, and certainly legitimate, tragedies that have dominated news in recent years, it is worth appreciating the significant effort and dedication that very many journalists invested in their coverage. But, at the same time, it is still important to remember that both wars and pandemics rate, and a ratings-incented journalism sector may be, at least sometimes, a detriment to the world overall.

Articulation of this type of nuance is, obviously, very strongly discouraged today – but, why?

Even though it appears dangerous to critique media corporation business models on such grounds, I am realizing it may be the only place my conscience feels comfortable and, today, I am grateful to be learning more through this recognition about what I believe may be the real purpose of what feel like high beams: even where it may be least expected, finding one’s balance.